When you feel sad and figure something out

Today I worked hard again with Mom to get the work done. We got it all done! I'm so glad.

That's how I spent my day, then I came home and took an hour and a half nap. I'm awake now and I feel pretty down. The best way to describe it is that there's a figurative clenching in my chest making me want to cry.

*****

I found some information that I'd not read before about bipolar disorder.

from the NIMH website on bipolar disorder:

"A mild to moderate level of mania is called hypomania. Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it and may even be associated with good functioning and enhanced productivity. "

I didn't know that those days where I feel more productive - I've had them, when I just FINALLY feel like everything is going right - were actually part of the disease. It's not the hyperactivity that you normally hear of with bipolar. I don't do lots of shopping, or spend a lot of money, or clean furiously. I just... finally feel like I have the energy and determination (maybe determination is a better term than "energy") to do those things.

Shopping makes me anxious - but on the days I feel the hypomania, I will go to several stores (something normal for most people.)

Cleaning my house is an overwhelming task (have any of you seen the inside of my apartment? no? There's a reason for that), but on the days I feel the hypomania I can get some things done, but then I have to stop when the episode passes.

With my doctor's suggestion, I've been racking my moods. I thought that this would be PMDD, but that seems to only be a way of disguising it. Because, looking at these numbers, the depression and mania cycle daily. Yesterday was a 7, the day before a 4, the day before that a 3... today was about a 5. (0 is depressive 10 is mania).

Keep reading. I hope this helps someone out there.